Meditation: On the Anxiety of Beginning

I pieced together a precise image of what I wanted my life to look like. I was riding the F train from Brooklyn into Manhattan and the image came to me in one swift rush. I wrote down everything about the image. Here, I encountered the problem of words. I wanted them to capture my image perfectly — but they struggled. But I wrote it down — I got it all out — in a draft of an email to myself. I got to Manhattan. I pressed send.

Send.

An image of my future self addressed to my present self from my past self.

But how do I get from here to there?

Sessions with Lacy Phillips and Desiree Pais helped. Ra Ma TV helped. My mom helped. But I had to do the work myself. In true Virgo fashion, I am an excellent planner. I love making to do lists and categorizing the lists within the lists. The action part is a struggle. I needed energy. I’m really interested in examining where we are directing our energies (often times we don’t know) and making clear decisions about where to stop moving our energy and where to redirect it.

I knew I wanted to be writing more, working at my job less, and being of service to others.

Because I recognized that moving forward and directing energy towards this image-of-my-future-me would mean possible failure, my ego started to drag me down. I curled up and became completely stagnant.

When I finally urged myself out of the cocoon — things started to shift. They are still shifting.

(photo: Emmalea Russo, Ground Edits)


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